Woohoo!

Hi folks! I am a happy and angry and sad girl. Don't you think that emotions are actually confusing and all mixed up at the same time?

Haha yeah, that's exactly what I've realised these few days.

Feel like deleting this blog. Like seriously. I'm placing my attention on other things, but I'm afraid I will get lost in touch with my friends??

SIGH. HELP ME! Goodnight World! I wanna sleep like a cow now!

Dilemma again

The weather looked and felt amazingly good and promising these two days. It made my hair a good hair day and of course I love it. Strong wind that has not touched my face for a very long time, but I know it ain't a good premonition. The Earth is changing human beings, and so do I. Or maybe from the very start, the Earth is already sick and giving out gradual warnings. And so do I?


Somehow, I've been approaching a lot of people in school. Or can I say a lot of people approached me? I'm always the same, laughed out my lungs for every lamest joke the gang could give me, striked the deepest pain every moroseness life could give me...


These two afternoons, I thought I was alive and kicking. BUT Angela caught my problem redhanded and I realised it, all of a suddent, and had been reflecting these few days since. Like what Johnston said, I have met my bottle's neck =/ SIGH


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH, I guess it's alright. Let me think of a fresh new way again. All the new plans of the year, all the strong words and promises written down in my diary. I hope it will be good and fine and smooth. But life's about ebbs and flows, and I somehow have that bad and good intuition mixed up all together like a fruit punch juice. Confusing eh? I find them the same too.


Mr. Tay praised me a bit at the end of the day during anatomy class, and that made me feel a lot better. =) But for like only 3 minutes? I really wish to thank to the important people around me, but I have no idea how to pick up myself. So many buts, so many ands, so many uncertainties and insecurities. So many fears and doubts, that's how weird homo sapiens can be.


And something have to be changed here. The blog is half dead as nyawa nyawa ikan. Maybe a new approach for the theme. I don't like it this way at all.


Ok.. nvm. It's just another freaking boring entry of my silent ranting. I just feel like reading my Chicken Soup and waiting for my phone call now ( which will never ring tonight)... Good night people...

On Hiatus?

For pete's sake, I realised that I have not updated here for a very long time! Starting to grow mould to make yogurt here.

Honestly, don't really have the mood to update regularly here at this point of time. Sometimes I just feel like updating everyday, but not now.

And school has started back. I love it but somehow there's a weirdddddd feeling and environment. Some things change but some things remain the same... =/

2009 is here!!!

Oh bloody hell. Everytime when a year ends with a number 9, I'll know that I have leaped a decade. And god knows that I've not yet enjoyed my teenage life fully! But life's brief candle, and I'm now a 20, folks!!!!

20= getting older
20= getting fatter ( Girls's body condition start to decline at the age of 18, moreover to say 20!!!)
20= getting older and older and I can't find another reason

Haha!!! But fret not, I actually kinda look upon writing a whole new way of my age. Instead of 1, I will write 2 now!

20= maturity
20= girls' golden age
20= freedom??? ( I bet so =/ )
20= Lots of love in life!!!

Seriously, I am REALLY thinking in a postive way to this very new year. A year of the start of my 20th decade.

But don't you guys have the same feeling? Everytime you step into a new year or age, you don't seem to feel like you're one. I can't feel that I'm 20 right now ( deny the fact that I'm fat and lazy since born!!!), like I thought that I'm thinking in a mature way, but actually I'm not so afterall.

I will still laugh like a 5 year old ( innocent), or cackle like a 16 ( rebellious).

Or cried as loud as I could like a 3 year old, or weep quietly in the attic like I just lost my first love or the day when dad hit me, just like a 12.

And so, seriously ( again I am addicted to this word), I will only realise I am really 20 after half a year passes by, or even when 21 is reaching. There is always an inner child within, I will still need love like a 3 year old, I will still need encouragement and attention like a 12 year old, but I will learn to be mature like a 20 year old.

=) Life's so cool ya!

I've also found myself a good motto for this year. Every year I will find an inspiring one. For this year, I will always think that: ERNEST CULTIVATION YIELDS FRUITFUL HARVEST. Yalah I know it sounds so ah pek and over noble but I don't know why I just feel intelligent with this quote along. The words here seem so hard to me, but in Chinese it's an easy-to-understand idiom yet so hard to achieve. Yet yet yet, I believe I will learn more about it this very year.

For New Year's eve, I've decided to stay at home. I'm really addicted to my new home and room and sofa. I don't know why but I just love it. Maybe it's been so long since my family and I had had a proper house which I can call it a home. We're trying to be clean but I just love how the messy room makes a real big deal of the whole warming feeling for me.

I decided to finish practising the new piece called ' The Swan'. I've been hitting the piano for a few days and I told myself I got to finish it by tonight, so that I can called Jeffrey and played for him. This new year's eve I've been practically practising this piece over and over again for 4 hours.

I was so eager to call Jeff so that he could listen to the song I played. It's been so long since I've played a song to him.

But when I called at that split of second, crossing 2008 and 2009, damnitstupidkenasaiwahlaowehtakbolehtahanthe phone connection was lousy, and Jeff's was a bit drunk at the other side. =(

I played as melodious as I could. But I was too nervous and there's a lot of mistakes, sudden crescendos and shivering. PLUS the line just cut off when I was going to finish the song! damnitstupidkenasaiwahlaowehtakbolehtahan!

Zen my younger brother came into listen, but the elder brother Coco was yelling for him upstairs and he dashed away, right before I finished playing again.

So... sad to say... my new year first wish is kinda unfulfiled. To play the song to someone I love. Gosh what a stupid wish I've made. So far for all the practising. But I knew that Jeff and Zen were trying their best to listen to me =)

Well.... to think of another way, I've been playing the song for myself for umpteen times! I myself is someone I love! I felt so happy when I realised that!

At the end of the night, I wrote down two inspiring paragraphs into my diary. And I hope to share with you here.

Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated, are dating or haven't dated at all. It isn't about who you've kissed, what sports you play, or which guy or girl likes you. It's not about your shoes of your hair or the color of your skin of where you live or go to school. In fact, it's not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not. Life isn't about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn't about that.

But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about trust, happiness and compassion. It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance and building confidence. It's about what you say and what you mean. It's about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else's in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise. These choices are what life's about.

- Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul

If you've read all the bossy words I've written here, please tag me. I wanna say thank you for listening to me, at this very start of the new year.


And of course... Happy new year...

Changes In Life

I was 15 years olf and a junior in high school, and the worst possible thing that could happen to me did. My parents decided to move our family from Sabah to Singapore. I had exactly 1 week to pack up all my stuff. I had to leave my room, my first boyfriend, my school and my bunch of best friends behind, and try to start a new life.


Honestly, at that point of time ( well, it lasted for 3 years), I despised my parents for ruining my life. I feel like a sakai ( aborigine) going to live in somewhere urban and metropolis.


I told everyone that I did not want to live here and would be returning to hometown the first chance I had. When I was at the new place, I made sure to keep my distance from everyone, thinking that I would just be leaving soon anyway.


The first day of school came, and I was miserable. I could only think of my friends back in Kota Kinabalu and how I wished I could be with them. For a long time, I felt that my life was over.


Eventually though, things got much better ( after 4 years for goodness sake). I have a new home, a good family, a caring boyfriend, a truckloads of die hard buddies, found my love back in art and music and even develop it as my lifetime career. I still keep in touch with all my old friends, who are now all over the world. I think I am greedy and contented. ( Just lack of a pet)


I now understand that my parents did not move the family to somewhere strange and new to hurt me, although at that time, it sure felt as though they had. I now firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. For had I not moved here, I never would have met so many other pretty little things.

Thank you everyone. Thank you God ( if you're here reading this, or even if you're not here somewhere above the sky and heaven) I want to tell all of you out there that I LOVE YOU ALL!

Happy New Year 2009 and a big wet goodbye kiss for 2008.

------------------------------------------------

p/s: Thank you for all the hardworking people at Safra booth that Saturday and Sunday. How can I ever thank you all! I just feel sorry that both events are cancelled and I feel unfair and restless, don't you think that our effort is somehow wasted???????????????????????????????? ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STUPID ORGANISERS! ( No pun intended)

Long pause.

Seeing everyone in their post prom photos, seriously I was upset and honestly, I was jealous too.


I don't know is this shocking or what, but throughout my life I have never even attended one single prom dinner.


I never ended up graduating in a school. From Junior 3, I moved from Kota Kinabalu to Johor ( supposedly), but I ended up in Singapore. I thought I could finish my 6 years at the old school there. And my dream is to get up to the stage, wearing the graduation hat ( what do we call that?) and the professor looking kinda drapery, sing the graduation song, and throw the square hat, with all of your closest friends and teachers and family beside you.


It's like you finally accomplish something. But I've always missed it.


I came to Singapore. And then I realised there's no such things as 'throwing hats into the sky thingy' kinda event. Which disappoint me kinda a lot. ( Ok, today I'm using a lot of KINDA this addictive word)


Woodgrove is nice but I'm not complaining about this. Nanyang JC is nice too, but too bad, my results suck and I got kicked out. From then onwards, I was officially an A level kick out/ditched student.


Well, seriously I don't mind that either, cuz that's the ever best damn thing I've done on Earth. But of course, I missed the graduation part. Prom night. Last dinner or whatever.


Oh ok. Fine, I'm not too sure what I'm complaining. Just about some stupid graduating dream I can never fulfill. But surely die die die die DIE I will complete NAFA and get a diploma/degree!!! Maybe I'm just the one who can just stay at home and stone, do my own stuff kinda ugly Betty.


Goodnight world. Don't come and wake me up.


p/s: Brother talked to me just now. He said that it's time I should get a domain for the shoes. Any suggestions people? I'm in my wit's end now. . .

I've got lot to say!

Yayayaya, I know I know. Nowadays all my posts are about the shoes, annoying right? No worries, cuz I'm gonna continue like that this whole month! December, I love you muak!


Seriously don't you just love the last month? You don't have to throw the alarm clock every morning and get up to school, no stupid ridiculous homework and unneccessary ( how do we spell it again? Damn!), no paintings that you don't wanna paint.


All the things just start to wind down and everybody seems to be more blissful and loosen up! And you got to take a break before getting older in a new year ( we get older every year, sigh!!!!)

And I get to do things that I have been longing to accomplish for a very long time. Have a long nice sleep in my bed. Clean and decorate my room. Carry out some gardening. Be pretty and put on makeup and be bimbotic like house bunny. Went to the zoo and beach and picnic. Put on some face mask. Shopping and eating. Gym and kickboxing and aerobics. Volleyball. Bitching and gossiping ( ok I admit, I do this everyday!!! But more in the holidays!) And trying to clear the lists of dates that I owe from so many girlfriends.


It's like OK, you worry less, or maybe you have nothing much to worry about. Less stressful ( Ok, I know Nafa gang, don't remind me about the releasing date of our exam results!) And best of the best, I throw away all the unnnnnecccesssarrrry ( Ok again, I hate this word!) school papers and stuff. They're like the biggest obstacles in the room and shelves. I feel sick when I saw them lying around the place, but I feel SYIOKKKK when I saw them lying inside the rubbish bin.


Ok, I realise I use so many Oks today. You don't mind right? Ok, HAHAHAHAHA.


And plus plus PLUS, Carmen is coming from Australia!!!! Heng and little heng are coming back from Scotland too!!!! I am super duper excited cuz it's always a promise that we all have to meetup at least once a year. I have so many things to prepare before they come!!!!!!!!! OK, I feel like shouting OMG!


So many things to OMG about. Isn't that great? I hope every month is a December. But of course I will miss that hell school that gives so many unnn.... unn...ec.... fine forget that spelling... that gives so many bizarre workloads but a damn lot of wonderful buddies to annoy at.


Last but not least, I manage to get a place for Tenladytoes at the Fleaolics Flea Market!!!



Gigantic image huh? But I don't care! You all have to go OKOKOKOK! Details will be out more soon. Shane, Mimi and I will be drawing the shoes. I can't seem to find Angela =( I need you too! While Joanne and Michelle will be helping out too. Carmen and the 2 Hens will definitely be there too!

Oh no, I should say, people who know me, you ALL HAVE TO COME DOWN.

Like Meng, Visa, Cas and Aiwee,
Hueyjia and Auyeong and Jasmine,
Wenfeng, Bryan, Eza, Johnston and the whole NAFA gang,
Lucie, Sherling, Huimin, Elvis, Yaokhuan and the whole NanyangJC Aep gang,
PC Teo and the Woodgrove gang.
Bring your friends and lovers and relatives and families and pets and enemies here, enjoy your day at the art museum and have fun bargaining at the flea markets!!

-Muaks. Feel my big wet kiss hahaha. ( Ok fine, Jeff is not here and he can't go there!)

To hell and back. Full stop.

Good evening homo sapiens ( if you still are one after all the hustle and bustle of life), and I'm back from my trip to hell.

My fingers are now bloodily aching after the never ending cutting of XXXL-hard corrugated cardboards and a few merciless burns contributed by the good old glue gun. ( Whew. I'm using lots of stupid words, juxtaposing everything together)


I was in the library for the whole day, wearing the same old shoes that was soaked in the rain the day before ( powderfully smelly man...), cutting and glue-ing out a random artifact ( which I had totally no idea what I was doing...). I know my mood & heart are somewhere else, but not in me.




I prefer to have the day passed at the library to staying inside the stuffy painting studio ( tying to gasp in some fresh air...) and insist on looking at the teacher's owe-punching face.

Well, what do you expect us to do? A skyscraper? When you did not even teach us anything about it, just throw in the assignment and do?

Ok, I forgot. Correction. Nafa's a college. And we, the students here, are supposed to be independent individuals who will go and do researches and get inspiration from any corner of the world...

So I pay that much for a 3 hour tutorial just to come and get some meaningless assignment. Excluding my tuition grant and asean scholarship, I'm actually paying almost $70 for a 3 hour tutorial like this.

Haha, and yup you're right, money does flies down from the sky.

And even better, after putting so much effort in achieving your final 3d artifact, you just show your teacher a while, let them catch a glance on your masterpiece, listen to their relatively useless, and take a picture of it by saying "cheeses crust".

Submit. So that's the life of your tour de force. Captured inside the tiny frame, and do you know how much difference it is to view at the work of art itself than looking at the pictures?????? Pictures only speak a thousand words. The work itself speaks a river and sea.

Ok fine, so did you say maybe the teachers remembered our actual design? When they couldn't even remember our names over and over and over again, asking whether I'm from Malaysia for the 8000th times, forgot and mispronounced my name for the 9000th times and asking Angela whether she's from China for the 10000th times.


Yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada

******

Back to reality, ok I think I'm way out of board now but those are my heart felt utterance. Nevertheless, I still enjoy school life with the great people around. And trust me, I think I learn more from my friends than from the teachers. Sometimes hanging around with them chatting, gossiping, drinking kopi O Kau Kau, eating Add Add Add rice, or doing absolutely nothing means a lot to me. Don't ever underestimate the value "doing nothing". Even the 3 seconds of interval between two breaths rest the mind by a lot.

Thanks to Mimi's onigiri, Eza's penknife ( to cut the boards lah not to cut myself), Johnston's silence, Shane's omg stunts, Angela's tittle tattle and nagging(s), Mr Hu's uncle-ish sweaty gan gan zuo encouragement. All the mutual hi-byes

And most importantly. My sunshine and old friends who are locked deeply in my heart.

Last but not least. Myself. Without all this I won't learn so much everyday.

Compared to ( Again! I'm always comparing how horrible life there is!) life back in the junior college, it was more tiring and arduos, but it's weird, it's art, it's something I like. Even though I was mad as written at the abovementioned, but till the end of the day...

All's well that ends well. =)

So I was still sitting in the library for the whole day, wearing the same old shoes that was soaked in the rain the day before ( powderfully smelly man...), cutting and glue-ing out a random artifact ( which I had totally no idea what I was doing...). I know my mood & heart are somewhere else, but not in me. BUT BUT once in a while my mood and heart come back when I suddenly laugh at a joke sunshine told me a week ago, or the gang just splurted out a dirty yellow joke, or a sweaty uncle suddenly ( I should use the word consistently) acting like a 3 year old, or a long hair extension tickled pass by my face, or the cute silence, or the rhythm of a new beatbox hit, or a pleasant soprano's high pitching of giggles.

I appreciate all of that. =)



Wenfeng's landscape. I called it " The sweaty swan lake".








My Gongbi paintings! I really love gongbi a lot actually. Despite the truckloads of homeworks, we spent some pleasing quiet moments watching the teacher paint the florals petals by petals, showing us how to paint, every stroke of it. Now that's what I call a worthy and fulfilled class...

=) Ogay, time to sleep, cuz there's Nafa sports day tomorrow! And I just wanna enjoy it =)!

I'm dead.

Those condescending looks from the haughty neighbours...




And dear, please tell me what's the best therapy for peer pressure...

Huh, uh-oh I can't think of a title right now...

It was such a LONG MONDAY. Along with the usual monday blues routine, I found it hard to complete the still life drawing. BAD monday. BAD still life day. BAD drawing day. Yet as usual, I enjoyed school a lot with the crazy souls around the studio.

I thought I would have a good rest since there's no class on Tuesday and Hari Raya's on Wednesday, but all of a sudden, I urged myself to sms Miss Ho ( Photography lecturer), to plead her to give Angela and I one last chance to redo our pinhole images.

And guess what, she said yes! How good can she be!!!

But that also indicates that I will have a hectic day!




Yup, sound so 'chim' for the pinhole cameras right? This Milo tin is supposedly our DIY cameras, sprayed entirely black internally, choose an ideal location, and take a picture for a minute.

It was really fun, and I would love to try it again next time, but it turned out that our 'cameras' had some problems and all the images that we took turn out in black. & I mean ALL.

''''-__-'''''



Thank goodness we had each other that day. I was all alone in the dark room at first, which turned out to be quite scary. Mimi came and helped out later. Thanks for the photo paper and your wonderful help honey! =)


And yes guess what again, Angela agreed to become my shoe model! Hahaha! I've been pulling the dudes around to help out. If I own a SLR, I will take almost everyday cuz you'll get addicted taking pictures ( of others), like seriously!





Okok, please don't laugh at my shots skills if you think they're not good, but I was having so much fun with this pretty model and everything turned out well =)! Angela looked a bit stiff at the last pic, but all in all the shots are gorgeous!


****


On another note, I've been doing a lot of self reflection nowadays. I think of what people told me in the bus, I think of what I thought of in the ladies', I think of what should I do in my slumberland.

Can't you agree more that each of us is something of a schizophrenic personality, tragically divided against ourselves?

I really couldn't agree more. I thought I was always calm and steady internally ( you may see me as a crazy person on the outside), but that day one little old man reminded me about my stubbornness, regardless of anything. I was quite ignorant about it. Yet, when I sat down and reflected back, my mind coincided with all the previous doggedness I had at all times....

Kinda abstract and surreal, should not elaborate more here. Straight and forward, sometimes I thought I'm not stubborn, but actually I'm stubborn at alot of things, in a manner of pros and cons. Got it? Tell me too if you have such feelings.

After reading the tags from everyone, I teared again. You guys rock! One day I should post out stories behind the names I heard of so that we all can feel proud of what's being given as blessings when we're born!

A mask of myself

I always try to do the best in everything, especially in studies. But I was utterly disappointed by a little photography assignment given back these few days. It's a normal SLR diagram, I did research and drew it down carefully, but still I got a crude C. I helped others with their work too, and they got better results, of course. Some came up to me and flaunted. " Hey, I just did it before the class starts, and I can get better results than you!"

Fine, what's wrong with me, as if I'm born guilty.

Just a little assignment, not supposed to be mentioned, but it made me down to thinking so much these few days. I did terribly BAD for photography module. Especially the pinhole cameras images. Everyone got such beautiful pictures, while everytime I came out of the dark room, my images were just as black as the dark room.

My mood was equally black and dark too. I can't even complete such a simple task.

;(








I guess people like me are actually not worth mentioning after all. Some classmates or teachers forget my names like forever.

" What's your name?" ( On the first day)

" Zhi Wei =)" ( Politely)

" Sorry, but what's your name again?" (2nd day, 1st month, 2nd month)

" Zhi... Wei... =" ( 2nd day, 1st month, 2nd month, sadly)

" The girl at the back!!!!"

" Zhi (4th sound) Wei (3rd sound)!" ( STUPID wrong hanyupinyin for so many times and it sounded like a guy's name)

" Erm... sorry... but I keep forgetting your name." ( In lift... after introducing for the 6th time)

" Oh... I'm ... Zhi ... Wei... nvm if you forget." ( WTH sound & look)

I always blame myself for not having an English name. It's like people nowadays must have a good english name! Mum and Dad, please bring me to the immigration to add one! =(

Back in hometown, I never get such problems. But when everyone here sees you in your english name, I almost got berserk. I really love my name, but nowadays I hate it more and more. During my secondary school year here, the teachers even discussed my name's actual pronunciation in the staff room. What on earth is going on. Externally, I said " Nvm" or " It's ok" or " Oh you can call me anything" or " You can take me as a guy!".... Internally I am in a state of sheer distraught.




* Sigh*

And I really love the gang I hang out with in class everytime. But are we really that bad or lazy? There's a bitch that hangs around with us some time ago and now she just totally ignored us in class, like we didn't know each other since the start! We play all the time, but we do work all the time too, can't you bear to lose a bit, can't you just don't reveal your kiasuness? Why must you go and hang out with all the upper class people who show off their works all the time in front of the studio all the time? Are you really that desperate and hardworking? I wanted to say hi to you that day but you did not even glance up! I thought you're mature enough but no, you really disappoint us a lot.

Usually I never care a bout all these pieces of craps around me, there're a lot of such homo sapiens floating around in junior college, but in nafa, yes there's such homo sapiens too. Well, all in all, good luck in your life and I hope you have true friends with you. Knowing such extraordinary people like you taught me a lesson. Continue to live in your own world then...

I don't wish to be like you. I do not wish the people I love to be like you. I do not wish any other people to be like you. Here, I will tell myself that I will be myself. Even though I am sad now but I know I will pick up and continue down the road. All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naive. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself.


*** Double sigh***

Sorry for such an honest post. I am in my quandary now that I can't help to splurt out. Sometimes we are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.

I will learn and let go. It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. And I hope I possess a lump of that audacity too...