A mask of myself

I always try to do the best in everything, especially in studies. But I was utterly disappointed by a little photography assignment given back these few days. It's a normal SLR diagram, I did research and drew it down carefully, but still I got a crude C. I helped others with their work too, and they got better results, of course. Some came up to me and flaunted. " Hey, I just did it before the class starts, and I can get better results than you!"

Fine, what's wrong with me, as if I'm born guilty.

Just a little assignment, not supposed to be mentioned, but it made me down to thinking so much these few days. I did terribly BAD for photography module. Especially the pinhole cameras images. Everyone got such beautiful pictures, while everytime I came out of the dark room, my images were just as black as the dark room.

My mood was equally black and dark too. I can't even complete such a simple task.

;(








I guess people like me are actually not worth mentioning after all. Some classmates or teachers forget my names like forever.

" What's your name?" ( On the first day)

" Zhi Wei =)" ( Politely)

" Sorry, but what's your name again?" (2nd day, 1st month, 2nd month)

" Zhi... Wei... =" ( 2nd day, 1st month, 2nd month, sadly)

" The girl at the back!!!!"

" Zhi (4th sound) Wei (3rd sound)!" ( STUPID wrong hanyupinyin for so many times and it sounded like a guy's name)

" Erm... sorry... but I keep forgetting your name." ( In lift... after introducing for the 6th time)

" Oh... I'm ... Zhi ... Wei... nvm if you forget." ( WTH sound & look)

I always blame myself for not having an English name. It's like people nowadays must have a good english name! Mum and Dad, please bring me to the immigration to add one! =(

Back in hometown, I never get such problems. But when everyone here sees you in your english name, I almost got berserk. I really love my name, but nowadays I hate it more and more. During my secondary school year here, the teachers even discussed my name's actual pronunciation in the staff room. What on earth is going on. Externally, I said " Nvm" or " It's ok" or " Oh you can call me anything" or " You can take me as a guy!".... Internally I am in a state of sheer distraught.




* Sigh*

And I really love the gang I hang out with in class everytime. But are we really that bad or lazy? There's a bitch that hangs around with us some time ago and now she just totally ignored us in class, like we didn't know each other since the start! We play all the time, but we do work all the time too, can't you bear to lose a bit, can't you just don't reveal your kiasuness? Why must you go and hang out with all the upper class people who show off their works all the time in front of the studio all the time? Are you really that desperate and hardworking? I wanted to say hi to you that day but you did not even glance up! I thought you're mature enough but no, you really disappoint us a lot.

Usually I never care a bout all these pieces of craps around me, there're a lot of such homo sapiens floating around in junior college, but in nafa, yes there's such homo sapiens too. Well, all in all, good luck in your life and I hope you have true friends with you. Knowing such extraordinary people like you taught me a lesson. Continue to live in your own world then...

I don't wish to be like you. I do not wish the people I love to be like you. I do not wish any other people to be like you. Here, I will tell myself that I will be myself. Even though I am sad now but I know I will pick up and continue down the road. All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naive. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself.


*** Double sigh***

Sorry for such an honest post. I am in my quandary now that I can't help to splurt out. Sometimes we are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.

I will learn and let go. It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. And I hope I possess a lump of that audacity too...